Wednesday 17 January 2018

DERELICT - 100 word story

This week's photo prompt for Friday Fictioneers got me thinking. Didn't we all love fairgrounds as children? But what happens when a naughty child can't visit the fairground? Why, she'll use her imagination instead...


PHOTO PROMPT © J Hardy Carroll




DERELICT

'I hate you!' Sophie punched her sister.
'That's it! You're grounded,' said her mother. 'No fairground visit.'
Sophie raged and fled to the scrapyard. She spotted a derelict car. The driver's door handle clicked open. She climbed in. The interior smelt of urine. Sophie wrinkled her nose.
Hidden under newspapers, Manny lay asleep on the back seat.
Sophie clutched the steering wheel. ‘Brm brm.’
Manny woke.
A kid was in his car? Something stirred in Manny.
Sophie bounced, pretending to drive. Who needed stupid fairground cars anyway?
Manny slowly sat up.
Filled with sparkling daydreams, Sophie accelerated into the unknown.




I hope you enjoyed my story and I look forward to reading your comments. 

If you wish to read more Friday Fictioneers stories, you can find them listed HERE


If you'd like to join in the challenge, you'll find the all information posted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields 
- her blog is listed on 'My Blog List' on the right hand side of this page.



66 comments:

  1. i'm a little worried about Manny

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  2. I'm not sure who to be more worried for!

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  3. Well, Sophie is a naughty child so hopefully Manny has met his match.

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    1. Yes, I think you're right to fear for the young girl, Helen.

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  5. I really hope Sophie makes it out of there with her innocence intact.

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  6. And then the junkyard dog starts barking at the car and the manager comes out, sees Manny about to attack the child and calls the police. Manny tries to run off but becomes dog food. Happy ending.

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  7. uh-oh, i wonder if there's a happy ending.

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    1. That might depend on whether Sophie spots him in the rearview mirror and manages to flee.

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  8. Uh oh. that is not likely to be a happy ending.

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  9. Go Sophie go, to infinity and beyond!

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  10. Very ominous. Run, Sophie, run!

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    1. Thanks for that, 'ominous' is the feel I wanted to achieve, Alistair.

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  11. OMG I'm fearing the worst here. The understated description of Manny leaves everything to the imagination. Powerfully so. Very well done.

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    1. Thanks, Sandra. It's always useful to know when something I've written has worked - appreciate the feedback.

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  12. Dear Susan,

    The car sounds disgusting...well described. Hard to say who's going to be in the most jeopardy, Sophie or Manny. Well done.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

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    1. My money's on Manny, Rochelle - but you never know!

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  13. Eeek! That's a scary last line, Susan. Well done.

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    1. Thanks, Lizy - I was aiming to unsettle the reader! :)

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  14. If only she hadn't been grounded. I wonder what happened next.

    Click to read my FriFic!

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  15. This Manny doesn't sound right😨

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  16. There's such a strong vein of imagination and fantasy here, we the reader can't be sure where this story might go next. You could plunge us into a magical road trip or drag us down into something much less pleasant. Nicely fiesty and ambiguous Susan - well done

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  17. The story could go either way. Manny could be a harmless man with memories of a child he once had, or turn out to be a dangerous predator. Nice one.

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    1. Absolutely, Subroto - and it's down to the reader to speculate and decide. :)

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  18. That scenario does not sound very good for one of them, although I'm not sure which one is worse off right now. Very ominous!

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    1. Maybe not good for both of them but in different ways, Joy?

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  19. Ohhh... shudder! How to take an innocent story and scare the bejeezus out of us. The descriptions brought it all to life!

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    1. He he - sorry about chuckling, but I did want to scare the reader... just a bit! :)

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  20. Your last line adds the perfect finishing touch. What "unknown" she faces all depends on who he is.

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    1. Thank you, Christine - glad to know I achieved my goal with that last line.

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  21. 'A kid was in his car'... nice line.

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  22. Unlike most of your commenters, I don't necessarily believe Manny is dangerous. Which is not to say he's not, either. Having said all that, something about the line "A kid was in his car?" (emphasis mine) does give me pause. Very intriguing! I'd like to see what you (or anyone you gave permission to) could do as far as fleshing out the story!

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    1. It's true that he might just be a sad homeless man who has claimed ownership of the car and now wants to befriend the child. Interesting idea to turn this into a longer story... might just try that.

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    2. Well, if you decide to do so, I'm looking forward to it!

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    3. That's very kind of you - and very motivating!

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  23. I think that they might cause damage to each other.... but maybe it's worst for Manny in the end...

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  24. However it turns out, it probably won't be good. :)

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  25. From his thoughts I judge Manny to be a harmless homeless man who just wanted some shelter to sleep off his hangover. He probably has more to fear from naughty Sophie than she from him. Mother should have warned Sophie against going into the scrap yard so she's partly to blame also. Good writing, Susan. :) --- Suzanne

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  26. Wonderfully crafted. Perfect flash that promotes speculation.

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  27. Now if Manny's a nice person this will end well and they'll have a fun time imagining where Sophie's driving. If not, I hope Sophie can bite and punch hard. Wonderfully set up to leave the reader guessing....

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    1. Thanks, Sarah - leaving you guessing was my intention! :)

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  28. An interesting and evocative story that brings up memories of all those sometimes dangerous things we do as kids. Thanks for sharing and thanks for visiting my blog.
    Anne from annehiga.com

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  29. A bit creepy. I want to know what happened next
    Lovely read
    Click Here to see what Mrs. Dash Says

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    1. Good, 'a bit creepy' was my intention - thanks for your comments, DeeDee. :)

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  30. I wonder what awaits their fates now.
    wonderfully written story.

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  31. Thank you, moon - glad you liked it.

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  32. Hope Manny is a good man & lets the child be a child...

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  33. Oh dear. I think sophie's on a one way trip.

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  34. I love the way you narrated the tale. First I thought it was a tale of hate only to discover it was a tale of a tale within a tale. Nice write!

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    1. Thanks for the feedback, Lavanya. Glad you liked it.

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  35. That’s one situation I would definitely not want to be caught in.

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Many thanks for commenting. I appreciate your feedback.