Wednesday, 25 April 2018

THE CAMPING TRIP - 100 Word Story

For reasons I can't explain, the beautiful view in this week's Friday Fictioneers photo prompted a dark story.




PHOTO PROMPT © Jan Wayne Fields


THE CAMPING TRIP

The camping trip was Jem's idea. We drove into the mountains.
“They got bears hereabouts?”
Jem huffed. “You crazy, Ali?”
“Looks like bear country.”
“Deliverance country, more like. Listen! Hear them Duelling Banjos?”
Jem braked for a fallen tree. “Stay there, Ali.” 
He rootled in the trunk. I heard thumps and grunts. I swivelled in my seat, but the trunk lid obscured my view.
Another thump. I suddenly felt an indelible dread.
“Jem?” I whispered. “You messing with me?”
Subsumed by fear I heard saw-toothed voices. Then I heard footsteps on the roof of the car.



I hope you enjoyed reading this and I look forward to your comments. 

If you wish to read more Friday Fictioneers stories, you can find them listed HERE



If you'd like to join in the challenge, you'll find all the information posted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields 
- her blog is listed on 'My Blog List' on the right hand side of this page.

On a final note - I always try to visit the blogs of everyone who comments on mine. If I haven't commented on yours it's either because I haven't been able to find your blog when I've clicked on your name or because you have a wordpress account that requires me to sign in first. 








72 comments:

  1. Now that was cheerful. Heh. I really wonder who's responsible, a bear, or humans? I'm betting on the latter.

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    1. The movie, Deliverance, haunted me for quite some time after I saw it!

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  2. saw tooth voices. Lovely

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    1. Thanks, Neil - always nice to get this sort of feedback.

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  3. Oh dear... Jeeze louise, Susan! This was quite frightful...

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  4. Oops, that's why I never go trekking. Plus because I'm terribly unfit and terribly lazy of course :-)

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    1. I've done a bit of trekking and camping in my day. The last time was in Argentina and Chile last year and I decided I hate camping!

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  5. i wonder whose footsteps they were? could they be jem?

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    1. Who knows, Plaridel? Was Jem messing with her - or was it something more sinister?

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  6. Ha ha - thanks, Alistair - my spell-check didn't like it! :)

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  7. As you say, a dark story. But a good one. I'd put money on humans rather than bears, though - that fallen tree is a bit too much of a coincidence!

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    1. I agree, Penny! Thanks for commenting.

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  8. Ooh ... a dark story ... when I thought it would be a peaceful nature tale :) Loved how you built up the tension in a few words.

    Seema Misra - Artist, Writer, Wanderer, and Dreamer.
    Lonely Canopy

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  9. Thanks for commenting, Seema - glad to know my story worked for you. :)

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  10. Exciting turn to the story. So many possibilities for the reader to imagine. Nicely done.

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    1. Yes, sometimes you just have to let the reader fill in the blanks, Subroto! :)

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  11. Eeek! Sawtooth voices followed by footsteps on the car roof? Sounds like she's next on the menu.

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    1. Yes, that's quite possible, Liz. If I were her, I'd slide into the driver's seat and drive like hell. :)

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  12. Dear Susan,

    This is the kind of story that's told around a campfire after dark. Love the word 'rootle.' Love the story, too.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

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    1. Thanks for your comments, Rochelle. I think we're all hard-wired to get a bit jumpy when we're out communing with nature!

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  13. They would definitely remember the camping trip. Time to run or drive as fast as possible. But I think it's a bit late for that.
    Thanks,
    Norma.

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    1. Run or stand and fight? Thanks for commenting, Norma.

      p.s. I don't know how to reach your blog

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  14. Yes, that was my influence when I wrote this, Alice.:)

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  15. Deliverance haunted me for years--every time I heard a pig squeal.

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    1. He he - for me it was those duelling banjos!

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  16. Eeeep I can hear those footsteps ... thump thump
    Great story

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  17. A very different take on the photo.I felt the car rocking with the footsteps.

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    1. Thanks for commenting, Alicia - I'm glad the footsteps worked.

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  18. Footsteps on the roof..creepy .. I wonder what happened next :)

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    1. He he - you'll have to write your own ending, Jaya. :)

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  19. The sounds on the roof - send shivers. Good story. Sorry to publish as Anonymous but for some reason I have difficulty posting on this site. Jilly.

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    1. Thanks for your feedback, Jilly - and sorry about your posting difficulties (I wish I knew why!).

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  20. Saw-toothed voices. Yeah, that's scary. Really good writing.

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    1. Thanks, Linda - appreciate your feedback. :)

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  21. Scary! I'm left cringing in my seat at thinking what has become of Jem. Well told.

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  22. Thanks for commenting, Sarah. I'm afraid my intention was to scare or at least unnerve the reader, so it appears I succeeded with you! :)

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  23. Saw-toothed voices doesn't sound like bears. Very scary story.

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    1. No, I don't think bears are the problem, Gah. Thanks for commenting. :)

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    1. Thanks so much for your lovely comment, Lisa.

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    1. He he - I'll leave that to your imagination, Vivian. Thanks for commenting.

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  26. I fear this will not end well. It will probably come back to haunt me on my next camping trip!

    A-Z of My Friend Rosey!

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    1. No, I think Ali might be in trouble. Happy camping, Keith!

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  27. Such a pretty photo to prompt this, Susan. :) :) No wandering in the woods for me.

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    1. Thanks for commenting, Jo. Yes, it's a great photo - I've become hooked on Friday Fictioneers!

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  28. I hope it was Jem teasing her! Nicely done Susan

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    1. One can only hope, Dahlia. Thanks for commenting.

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  29. You've built this well so that with the last line the reader is worried for her and you get the sense she's realised too late, nicely done

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    1. Thanks for the feedback, Michael - appreciate it.

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  30. Wonderful imagery. Lovely word picture. Like others ..... wondering!

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    1. Thank you for your positive feedback. I'll let you wonder and decide! :)

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  31. And that's when you hear the Banjo and have no guitar.

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  32. Not the kind of camping trip I want to take. However, I did try to get some photos of a small black bear that was scrounging around our condo in Ruidoso NM once. Nicely done.

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    1. No, me neither! I encountered a black bear in Canada once - it was utterly thrilling and fortunately the bear wasn't inclined to approach.

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  33. Argh! Seriously chilling! Nicely, creepily told tale

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    1. Thanks, Lynn. I thought I'd go with where my instinct was taking me this week, which happened to be a scary route. :)

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  34. Your story gave me the heebie jeebies! I hope Jem was just messing with her.

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  35. Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't! Thanks for your feedback, Magarisa.

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  36. Maybe it's just coyotes on the roof?

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    1. Well if it's Wile E.Coyote she might stand a chance, Patsy. :)

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  37. Now, that's a chilling story!

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    1. Yes, I'm afraid so! Thanks for commenting. :)

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  38. Scary. I wouldn't have wanted to be sitting in the car nor would I want to be outside it. Good story.

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  39. He he - me neither, Irene! Thanks for commenting.

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