Wednesday, 25 April 2018

THE CAMPING TRIP - 100 Word Story

For reasons I can't explain, the beautiful view in this week's Friday Fictioneers photo prompted a dark story.




PHOTO PROMPT © Jan Wayne Fields


THE CAMPING TRIP

The camping trip was Jem's idea. We drove into the mountains.
“They got bears hereabouts?”
Jem huffed. “You crazy, Ali?”
“Looks like bear country.”
“Deliverance country, more like. Listen! Hear them Duelling Banjos?”
Jem braked for a fallen tree. “Stay there, Ali.” 
He rootled in the trunk. I heard thumps and grunts. I swivelled in my seat, but the trunk lid obscured my view.
Another thump. I suddenly felt an indelible dread.
“Jem?” I whispered. “You messing with me?”
Subsumed by fear I heard saw-toothed voices. Then I heard footsteps on the roof of the car.
I hope you enjoyed reading this and I look forward to your comments. 

If you wish to read more Friday Fictioneers stories, you can find them listed HERE



If you'd like to join in the challenge, you'll find all the information posted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields 
- her blog is listed on 'My Blog List' on the right hand side of this page.

On a final note - I always try to visit the blogs of everyone who comments on mine. If I haven't commented on yours it's either because I haven't been able to find your blog when I've clicked on your name or because you have a wordpress account that requires me to sign in first. 



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72 comments:

  1. The Silver Fox26 April 2018 at 00:05

    Now that was cheerful. Heh. I really wonder who's responsible, a bear, or humans? I'm betting on the latter.

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames26 April 2018 at 10:16

      The movie, Deliverance, haunted me for quite some time after I saw it!

      Delete
  2. Anonymous26 April 2018 at 00:39

    saw tooth voices. Lovely

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    1. Susan A Eames26 April 2018 at 10:15

      Thanks, Neil - always nice to get this sort of feedback.

      Delete
  3. Dale26 April 2018 at 03:26

    Oh dear... Jeeze louise, Susan! This was quite frightful...

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  4. Anurag Bakhshi26 April 2018 at 05:46

    Oops, that's why I never go trekking. Plus because I'm terribly unfit and terribly lazy of course :-)

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames26 April 2018 at 09:34

      I've done a bit of trekking and camping in my day. The last time was in Argentina and Chile last year and I decided I hate camping!

      Delete
  5. plaridel26 April 2018 at 07:10

    i wonder whose footsteps they were? could they be jem?

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames26 April 2018 at 09:31

      Who knows, Plaridel? Was Jem messing with her - or was it something more sinister?

      Delete
  6. draliman26 April 2018 at 08:20

    Uh-oh. Love the word "rootle" :-)

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  7. Susan A Eames26 April 2018 at 09:30

    Ha ha - thanks, Alistair - my spell-check didn't like it! :)

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  8. Penny Gadd26 April 2018 at 09:40

    As you say, a dark story. But a good one. I'd put money on humans rather than bears, though - that fallen tree is a bit too much of a coincidence!

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  9. Seema Misra26 April 2018 at 12:00

    Ooh ... a dark story ... when I thought it would be a peaceful nature tale :) Loved how you built up the tension in a few words.

    Seema Misra - Artist, Writer, Wanderer, and Dreamer.
    Lonely Canopy

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  10. Susan A Eames26 April 2018 at 12:31

    Thanks for commenting, Seema - glad to know my story worked for you. :)

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  11. Subroto26 April 2018 at 12:58

    Exciting turn to the story. So many possibilities for the reader to imagine. Nicely done.

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames26 April 2018 at 13:21

      Yes, sometimes you just have to let the reader fill in the blanks, Subroto! :)

      Delete
  12. liz young26 April 2018 at 13:06

    Eeek! Sawtooth voices followed by footsteps on the car roof? Sounds like she's next on the menu.

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames26 April 2018 at 13:22

      Yes, that's quite possible, Liz. If I were her, I'd slide into the driver's seat and drive like hell. :)

      Delete
  13. Rochelle Wisoff-Fields26 April 2018 at 13:36

    Dear Susan,

    This is the kind of story that's told around a campfire after dark. Love the word 'rootle.' Love the story, too.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames26 April 2018 at 15:33

      Thanks for your comments, Rochelle. I think we're all hard-wired to get a bit jumpy when we're out communing with nature!

      Delete
  14. Iain Kelly26 April 2018 at 15:25

    Eek, Deliverance comes true!

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  15. Anonymous26 April 2018 at 15:49

    They would definitely remember the camping trip. Time to run or drive as fast as possible. But I think it's a bit late for that.
    Thanks,
    Norma.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames26 April 2018 at 17:35

      Run or stand and fight? Thanks for commenting, Norma.

      p.s. I don't know how to reach your blog

      Delete
  16. Alice Audrey26 April 2018 at 18:34

    Deliverance? Ack!

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  17. Susan A Eames26 April 2018 at 20:02

    Yes, that was my influence when I wrote this, Alice.:)

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  18. Russell Gayer26 April 2018 at 20:17

    Deliverance haunted me for years--every time I heard a pig squeal.

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames26 April 2018 at 20:50

      He he - for me it was those duelling banjos!

      Delete
  19. Anonymous26 April 2018 at 22:01

    Eeeep I can hear those footsteps ... thump thump
    Great story

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  20. Alicia L. Jamtaas27 April 2018 at 04:08

    A very different take on the photo.I felt the car rocking with the footsteps.

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames27 April 2018 at 11:46

      Thanks for commenting, Alicia - I'm glad the footsteps worked.

      Delete
  21. Jaya27 April 2018 at 05:25

    Footsteps on the roof..creepy .. I wonder what happened next :)

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames27 April 2018 at 11:47

      He he - you'll have to write your own ending, Jaya. :)

      Delete
  22. Anonymous27 April 2018 at 09:10

    The sounds on the roof - send shivers. Good story. Sorry to publish as Anonymous but for some reason I have difficulty posting on this site. Jilly.

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    1. Susan A Eames27 April 2018 at 11:48

      Thanks for your feedback, Jilly - and sorry about your posting difficulties (I wish I knew why!).

      Delete
  23. Linda27 April 2018 at 14:36

    Saw-toothed voices. Yeah, that's scary. Really good writing.

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames27 April 2018 at 14:42

      Thanks, Linda - appreciate your feedback. :)

      Delete
  24. Anonymous27 April 2018 at 19:36

    Scary! I'm left cringing in my seat at thinking what has become of Jem. Well told.

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  25. Susan A Eames27 April 2018 at 20:37

    Thanks for commenting, Sarah. I'm afraid my intention was to scare or at least unnerve the reader, so it appears I succeeded with you! :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. Gah Learner27 April 2018 at 22:51

    Saw-toothed voices doesn't sound like bears. Very scary story.

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames27 April 2018 at 23:09

      No, I don't think bears are the problem, Gah. Thanks for commenting. :)

      Delete
  27. lisarey1990@gmail.com27 April 2018 at 23:49

    A really great story.

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames28 April 2018 at 11:27

      Thanks so much for your lovely comment, Lisa.

      Delete
  28. Vivian Zems28 April 2018 at 00:25

    Eeek! What are they???

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames28 April 2018 at 11:27

      He he - I'll leave that to your imagination, Vivian. Thanks for commenting.

      Delete
  29. Keith's Ramblings28 April 2018 at 01:35

    I fear this will not end well. It will probably come back to haunt me on my next camping trip!

    A-Z of My Friend Rosey!

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames28 April 2018 at 11:28

      No, I think Ali might be in trouble. Happy camping, Keith!

      Delete
  30. restlessjo28 April 2018 at 15:10

    Such a pretty photo to prompt this, Susan. :) :) No wandering in the woods for me.

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    1. Susan A Eames28 April 2018 at 16:30

      Thanks for commenting, Jo. Yes, it's a great photo - I've become hooked on Friday Fictioneers!

      Delete
  31. Dahlia29 April 2018 at 06:03

    I hope it was Jem teasing her! Nicely done Susan

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames29 April 2018 at 11:19

      One can only hope, Dahlia. Thanks for commenting.

      Delete
  32. Michael Wynn29 April 2018 at 08:47

    You've built this well so that with the last line the reader is worried for her and you get the sense she's realised too late, nicely done

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames29 April 2018 at 11:20

      Thanks for the feedback, Michael - appreciate it.

      Delete
  33. Anonymous29 April 2018 at 15:01

    Wonderful imagery. Lovely word picture. Like others ..... wondering!

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames29 April 2018 at 16:45

      Thank you for your positive feedback. I'll let you wonder and decide! :)

      Delete
  34. brudberg29 April 2018 at 16:53

    And that's when you hear the Banjo and have no guitar.

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  35. Unknown29 April 2018 at 17:30

    Not the kind of camping trip I want to take. However, I did try to get some photos of a small black bear that was scrounging around our condo in Ruidoso NM once. Nicely done.

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    1. Susan A Eames29 April 2018 at 18:28

      No, me neither! I encountered a black bear in Canada once - it was utterly thrilling and fortunately the bear wasn't inclined to approach.

      Delete
  36. Lynn Love29 April 2018 at 17:41

    Argh! Seriously chilling! Nicely, creepily told tale

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames29 April 2018 at 18:30

      Thanks, Lynn. I thought I'd go with where my instinct was taking me this week, which happened to be a scary route. :)

      Delete
  37. magarisa29 April 2018 at 20:40

    Your story gave me the heebie jeebies! I hope Jem was just messing with her.

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  38. Susan A Eames29 April 2018 at 23:22

    Maybe he was, maybe he wasn't! Thanks for your feedback, Magarisa.

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  39. Patsy30 April 2018 at 07:22

    Maybe it's just coyotes on the roof?

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames30 April 2018 at 09:50

      Well if it's Wile E.Coyote she might stand a chance, Patsy. :)

      Delete
  40. Anonymous1 May 2018 at 14:05

    Now, that's a chilling story!

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames1 May 2018 at 19:19

      Yes, I'm afraid so! Thanks for commenting. :)

      Delete
  41. Unknown2 May 2018 at 06:22

    Scary. I wouldn't have wanted to be sitting in the car nor would I want to be outside it. Good story.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Susan A Eames2 May 2018 at 16:57

    He he - me neither, Irene! Thanks for commenting.

    ReplyDelete

Many thanks for commenting. I appreciate your feedback.

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