Wednesday, 17 January 2018

DERELICT - 100 word story

This week's photo prompt for Friday Fictioneers got me thinking. Didn't we all love fairgrounds as children? But what happens when a naughty child can't visit the fairground? Why, she'll use her imagination instead...


PHOTO PROMPT © J Hardy Carroll




DERELICT

'I hate you!' Sophie punched her sister.
'That's it! You're grounded,' said her mother. 'No fairground visit.'
Sophie raged and fled to the scrapyard. She spotted a derelict car. The driver's door handle clicked open. She climbed in. The interior smelt of urine. Sophie wrinkled her nose.
Hidden under newspapers, Manny lay asleep on the back seat.
Sophie clutched the steering wheel. ‘Brm brm.’
Manny woke.
A kid was in his car? Something stirred in Manny.
Sophie bounced, pretending to drive. Who needed stupid fairground cars anyway?
Manny slowly sat up.
Filled with sparkling daydreams, Sophie accelerated into the unknown.




I hope you enjoyed my story and I look forward to reading your comments. 

If you wish to read more Friday Fictioneers stories, you can find them listed HERE


If you'd like to join in the challenge, you'll find the all information posted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields 
- her blog is listed on 'My Blog List' on the right hand side of this page.



66 comments:

  1. I'm not sure who to be more worried for!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well, Sophie is a naughty child so hopefully Manny has met his match.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Replies
    1. Yes, I think you're right to fear for the young girl, Helen.

      Delete
  4. I really hope Sophie makes it out of there with her innocence intact.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You can write your own ending, Penny. :)

      Delete
  5. And then the junkyard dog starts barking at the car and the manager comes out, sees Manny about to attack the child and calls the police. Manny tries to run off but becomes dog food. Happy ending.

    ReplyDelete
  6. uh-oh, i wonder if there's a happy ending.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That might depend on whether Sophie spots him in the rearview mirror and manages to flee.

      Delete
  7. Uh oh. that is not likely to be a happy ending.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Go Sophie go, to infinity and beyond!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Replies
    1. Thanks for that, 'ominous' is the feel I wanted to achieve, Alistair.

      Delete
  10. OMG I'm fearing the worst here. The understated description of Manny leaves everything to the imagination. Powerfully so. Very well done.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Sandra. It's always useful to know when something I've written has worked - appreciate the feedback.

      Delete
  11. Dear Susan,

    The car sounds disgusting...well described. Hard to say who's going to be in the most jeopardy, Sophie or Manny. Well done.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My money's on Manny, Rochelle - but you never know!

      Delete
  12. Eeek! That's a scary last line, Susan. Well done.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Lizy - I was aiming to unsettle the reader! :)

      Delete
  13. If only she hadn't been grounded. I wonder what happened next.

    Click to read my FriFic!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Only the reader can decide, Keith. :)

      Delete
  14. This Manny doesn't sound right😨

    ReplyDelete
  15. There's such a strong vein of imagination and fantasy here, we the reader can't be sure where this story might go next. You could plunge us into a magical road trip or drag us down into something much less pleasant. Nicely fiesty and ambiguous Susan - well done

    ReplyDelete
  16. The story could go either way. Manny could be a harmless man with memories of a child he once had, or turn out to be a dangerous predator. Nice one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Absolutely, Subroto - and it's down to the reader to speculate and decide. :)

      Delete
  17. That scenario does not sound very good for one of them, although I'm not sure which one is worse off right now. Very ominous!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe not good for both of them but in different ways, Joy?

      Delete
  18. Ohhh... shudder! How to take an innocent story and scare the bejeezus out of us. The descriptions brought it all to life!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He he - sorry about chuckling, but I did want to scare the reader... just a bit! :)

      Delete
  19. Your last line adds the perfect finishing touch. What "unknown" she faces all depends on who he is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Christine - glad to know I achieved my goal with that last line.

      Delete
  20. 'A kid was in his car'... nice line.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Unlike most of your commenters, I don't necessarily believe Manny is dangerous. Which is not to say he's not, either. Having said all that, something about the line "A kid was in his car?" (emphasis mine) does give me pause. Very intriguing! I'd like to see what you (or anyone you gave permission to) could do as far as fleshing out the story!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's true that he might just be a sad homeless man who has claimed ownership of the car and now wants to befriend the child. Interesting idea to turn this into a longer story... might just try that.

      Delete
    2. Well, if you decide to do so, I'm looking forward to it!

      Delete
    3. That's very kind of you - and very motivating!

      Delete
  22. I think that they might cause damage to each other.... but maybe it's worst for Manny in the end...

    ReplyDelete
  23. However it turns out, it probably won't be good. :)

    ReplyDelete
  24. From his thoughts I judge Manny to be a harmless homeless man who just wanted some shelter to sleep off his hangover. He probably has more to fear from naughty Sophie than she from him. Mother should have warned Sophie against going into the scrap yard so she's partly to blame also. Good writing, Susan. :) --- Suzanne

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for that analysis, Suzanne! :)

      Delete
  25. Wonderfully crafted. Perfect flash that promotes speculation.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Now if Manny's a nice person this will end well and they'll have a fun time imagining where Sophie's driving. If not, I hope Sophie can bite and punch hard. Wonderfully set up to leave the reader guessing....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Sarah - leaving you guessing was my intention! :)

      Delete
  27. An interesting and evocative story that brings up memories of all those sometimes dangerous things we do as kids. Thanks for sharing and thanks for visiting my blog.
    Anne from annehiga.com

    ReplyDelete
  28. A bit creepy. I want to know what happened next
    Lovely read
    Click Here to see what Mrs. Dash Says

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good, 'a bit creepy' was my intention - thanks for your comments, DeeDee. :)

      Delete
  29. I wonder what awaits their fates now.
    wonderfully written story.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Thank you, moon - glad you liked it.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Hope Manny is a good man & lets the child be a child...

    ReplyDelete
  32. Oh dear. I think sophie's on a one way trip.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I love the way you narrated the tale. First I thought it was a tale of hate only to discover it was a tale of a tale within a tale. Nice write!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the feedback, Lavanya. Glad you liked it.

      Delete
  34. That’s one situation I would definitely not want to be caught in.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for your comment!