Wednesday, 17 January 2018

DERELICT - 100 word story

This week's photo prompt for Friday Fictioneers got me thinking. Didn't we all love fairgrounds as children? But what happens when a naughty child can't visit the fairground? Why, she'll use her imagination instead...


PHOTO PROMPT © J Hardy Carroll


DERELICT

'I hate you!' Sophie punched her sister.
'That's it! You're grounded,' said her mother. 'No fairground visit.'
Sophie raged and fled to the scrapyard. She spotted a derelict car. The driver's door handle clicked open. She climbed in. The interior smelt of urine. Sophie wrinkled her nose.
Hidden under newspapers, Manny lay asleep on the back seat.
Sophie clutched the steering wheel. ‘Brm brm.’
Manny woke.
A kid was in his car? Something stirred in Manny.
Sophie bounced, pretending to drive. Who needed stupid fairground cars anyway?
Manny slowly sat up.
Filled with sparkling daydreams, Sophie accelerated into the unknown.




I hope you enjoyed my story and I look forward to reading your comments. 

If you wish to read more Friday Fictioneers stories, you can find them listed HERE


If you'd like to join in the challenge, you'll find the all information posted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields 
- her blog is listed on 'My Blog List' on the right hand side of this page.



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66 comments:

  1. Anonymous17 January 2018 at 17:42

    i'm a little worried about Manny

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  2. Susan A Eames17 January 2018 at 18:19

    Yes, I think we should be! :)

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  3. Iain Kelly17 January 2018 at 18:26

    I'm not sure who to be more worried for!

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  4. Susan A Eames17 January 2018 at 18:29

    Well, Sophie is a naughty child so hopefully Manny has met his match.

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  5. Helen Baggott17 January 2018 at 19:03

    Chilling.

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames17 January 2018 at 19:15

      Yes, I think you're right to fear for the young girl, Helen.

      Delete
  6. Penny Gadd17 January 2018 at 19:05

    I really hope Sophie makes it out of there with her innocence intact.

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  7. James17 January 2018 at 20:18

    And then the junkyard dog starts barking at the car and the manager comes out, sees Manny about to attack the child and calls the police. Manny tries to run off but becomes dog food. Happy ending.

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  8. plaridel18 January 2018 at 02:46

    uh-oh, i wonder if there's a happy ending.

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames18 January 2018 at 10:13

      That might depend on whether Sophie spots him in the rearview mirror and manages to flee.

      Delete
  9. Alice Audrey18 January 2018 at 04:12

    Uh oh. that is not likely to be a happy ending.

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  10. Anurag Bakhshi18 January 2018 at 06:57

    Go Sophie go, to infinity and beyond!

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  11. draliman18 January 2018 at 08:00

    Very ominous. Run, Sophie, run!

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames18 January 2018 at 10:15

      Thanks for that, 'ominous' is the feel I wanted to achieve, Alistair.

      Delete
  12. Sandra Crook18 January 2018 at 10:37

    OMG I'm fearing the worst here. The understated description of Manny leaves everything to the imagination. Powerfully so. Very well done.

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    1. Susan A Eames18 January 2018 at 12:48

      Thanks, Sandra. It's always useful to know when something I've written has worked - appreciate the feedback.

      Delete
  13. Rochelle Wisoff-Fields18 January 2018 at 11:52

    Dear Susan,

    The car sounds disgusting...well described. Hard to say who's going to be in the most jeopardy, Sophie or Manny. Well done.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames18 January 2018 at 12:48

      My money's on Manny, Rochelle - but you never know!

      Delete
  14. liz young18 January 2018 at 13:15

    Eeek! That's a scary last line, Susan. Well done.

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    1. Susan A Eames18 January 2018 at 13:37

      Thanks, Lizy - I was aiming to unsettle the reader! :)

      Delete
  15. Keith's Ramblings18 January 2018 at 14:34

    If only she hadn't been grounded. I wonder what happened next.

    Click to read my FriFic!

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  16. Vivian Zems18 January 2018 at 16:08

    This Manny doesn't sound right😨

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  17. Lynn Love18 January 2018 at 17:06

    There's such a strong vein of imagination and fantasy here, we the reader can't be sure where this story might go next. You could plunge us into a magical road trip or drag us down into something much less pleasant. Nicely fiesty and ambiguous Susan - well done

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  18. Subroto18 January 2018 at 22:25

    The story could go either way. Manny could be a harmless man with memories of a child he once had, or turn out to be a dangerous predator. Nice one.

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames19 January 2018 at 10:10

      Absolutely, Subroto - and it's down to the reader to speculate and decide. :)

      Delete
  19. Joy Pixley19 January 2018 at 02:45

    That scenario does not sound very good for one of them, although I'm not sure which one is worse off right now. Very ominous!

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames19 January 2018 at 13:58

      Maybe not good for both of them but in different ways, Joy?

      Delete
  20. Dale19 January 2018 at 04:13

    Ohhh... shudder! How to take an innocent story and scare the bejeezus out of us. The descriptions brought it all to life!

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames19 January 2018 at 13:59

      He he - sorry about chuckling, but I did want to scare the reader... just a bit! :)

      Delete
  21. Christine G19 January 2018 at 05:29

    Your last line adds the perfect finishing touch. What "unknown" she faces all depends on who he is.

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    1. Susan A Eames19 January 2018 at 14:00

      Thank you, Christine - glad to know I achieved my goal with that last line.

      Delete
  22. tedstrutz19 January 2018 at 06:36

    'A kid was in his car'... nice line.

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  23. The Silver Fox19 January 2018 at 13:24

    Unlike most of your commenters, I don't necessarily believe Manny is dangerous. Which is not to say he's not, either. Having said all that, something about the line "A kid was in his car?" (emphasis mine) does give me pause. Very intriguing! I'd like to see what you (or anyone you gave permission to) could do as far as fleshing out the story!

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    1. Susan A Eames19 January 2018 at 14:03

      It's true that he might just be a sad homeless man who has claimed ownership of the car and now wants to befriend the child. Interesting idea to turn this into a longer story... might just try that.

      Delete
    2. The Silver Fox19 January 2018 at 14:04

      Well, if you decide to do so, I'm looking forward to it!

      Delete
    3. Susan A Eames19 January 2018 at 15:55

      That's very kind of you - and very motivating!

      Delete
  24. brudberg19 January 2018 at 21:06

    I think that they might cause damage to each other.... but maybe it's worst for Manny in the end...

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  25. Susan A Eames19 January 2018 at 21:29

    However it turns out, it probably won't be good. :)

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  26. P.S. Joshi20 January 2018 at 15:37

    From his thoughts I judge Manny to be a harmless homeless man who just wanted some shelter to sleep off his hangover. He probably has more to fear from naughty Sophie than she from him. Mother should have warned Sophie against going into the scrap yard so she's partly to blame also. Good writing, Susan. :) --- Suzanne

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  27. Anonymous20 January 2018 at 15:59

    Wonderfully crafted. Perfect flash that promotes speculation.

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  28. Anonymous21 January 2018 at 19:45

    Now if Manny's a nice person this will end well and they'll have a fun time imagining where Sophie's driving. If not, I hope Sophie can bite and punch hard. Wonderfully set up to leave the reader guessing....

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames21 January 2018 at 22:46

      Thanks, Sarah - leaving you guessing was my intention! :)

      Delete
  29. Anne Higa21 January 2018 at 23:39

    An interesting and evocative story that brings up memories of all those sometimes dangerous things we do as kids. Thanks for sharing and thanks for visiting my blog.
    Anne from annehiga.com

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  30. Deepa22 January 2018 at 07:30

    A bit creepy. I want to know what happened next
    Lovely read
    Click Here to see what Mrs. Dash Says

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames22 January 2018 at 16:08

      Good, 'a bit creepy' was my intention - thanks for your comments, DeeDee. :)

      Delete
  31. moon23 January 2018 at 06:57

    I wonder what awaits their fates now.
    wonderfully written story.

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  32. Susan A Eames23 January 2018 at 11:22

    Thank you, moon - glad you liked it.

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  33. Anita Sabat23 January 2018 at 13:56

    Hope Manny is a good man & lets the child be a child...

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  34. Patsy23 January 2018 at 21:43

    Oh dear. I think sophie's on a one way trip.

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  35. Unknown26 January 2018 at 02:57

    I love the way you narrated the tale. First I thought it was a tale of hate only to discover it was a tale of a tale within a tale. Nice write!

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    Replies
    1. Susan A Eames2 February 2018 at 17:42

      Thanks for the feedback, Lavanya. Glad you liked it.

      Delete
  36. Thrifty Campers26 January 2018 at 21:15

    That’s one situation I would definitely not want to be caught in.

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Many thanks for commenting. I appreciate your feedback.

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